Topics that make teens cringe

Bored teenager (fling93, CC/Flickr)

How much of your life should you share with your teen? A professional counselor and family therapist has some words of wisdom about maintaining healthy boundaries with your teenage children.

How much of your life should you share with your teen?  As a parent, you will make that decision throughout your teen's time at home.  Here's some information based on observations and feedback from hundreds of the engaging, articulate teens I've worked seen in private practice.   

Treatment typically begins during a period of crisis due to a major behavioral episode like mania or depression or due to events that produce a strong emotional reaction, such as a major trauma or loss.  During treatment, particularly when things calm down, I'm in an excellent position as the teen's counselor to hear candid thoughts and reactions to a wide variety of family interactions.  In this short essay I'll share what I've observed to be topics that make most teenagers cringe.

Boundaries 

First a brief word about boundaries.  This is one of the more useful and meaningful buzz words associated with therapy.  When counselors use that term, they're generally referring to a limit on information an individual is willing to receive from a family member, friend, or anyone in their world. 

The most important boundaries are those in families. Handling these limits on sharing, behavior, and emotional expression with your teen serves as a model for their behavior over time. In the short term, the way you handle boundaries impacts your child's behavior at home and just about everywhere else.

What topics do teens find uncomfortable?   

Most teens don't want to hear one parent criticize the other and it's almost always never helpful.  This applies to both in tact families and children living between divorced parents.  It's tempting for some parents to complain about the person they divorced.  These discussions are uncomfortable for your child and create a divided loyalty.  They want to believe you but if they do, they have to believe their other parent is somehow defective.  In the worst cases of poor parent–child boundaries, teens reach a point where they can't bear to discuss these matters.  They find it very difficult, if not impossible, to have positive feelings toward both parents at the same time.

Most teens don't want to hear about their parent's sexual interests or activities.  You may or may not discuss these matters with your children.  If you do, in most cases, you can be assured that your teenager will find it unpleasant, maybe even wince, while you do it.  Over my years of experience, the topic has come up enough to provide a good database of reactions.  The teen usually brings this up for some pertinent reason.  Their faces are contorted and they seem to be in abject pain.  Several clients have said it would be just fine with them if the last time their parents were intimate was the day that they were conceived.

Why is it important to respect your teenager's boundaries? 

First and foremost, by respecting your child's boundaries you provide an excellent model for your teen's respect of others.  Respect for others makes your teen easier to be around, broadens his or her social opportunities, and creates the type of atmosphere that you want for you child at school and with friends.